So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
