I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
