If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
