I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize