we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
