If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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