He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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