where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
