highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
