This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
