Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
