I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
