watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
