The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
