i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
