So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize