I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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