Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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