Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
