Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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