Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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