It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
