i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
