everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
