Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
