she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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