i jhust puked up my retainher.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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