I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
