I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
