Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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