I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
