Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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