pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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