I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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