I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
