Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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