I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
