Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it's like iHOP with fire
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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