saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
