It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I touched a dick in church today
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
