you would pick up someone in the library
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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