It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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