i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
