Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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