tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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