Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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