theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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