Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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