Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
