I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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