so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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