Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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