Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
