can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The ass gains better be worth it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
