I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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