He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
