Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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