the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
nutella sex= disaster
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
