new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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