I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
