Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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